Now a non-animal Joke

Letter from the schoolmaster

One day an English Lady was looking for a room in Switzerland. She asked the local schoolmaster if he could recommend anything she might like. She finally decided on a quaint little apartment and returned to the Hotel at which she had been staying. When she got back she suddenly remembered she had not seen a Water Closet (commonly known in America as a bathroom). She immediately wrote back to the schoolmaster asking him if the apartment had a W.C. The schoolmaster upon receiving the letter did not understand the meaning of the abbreviation, W.C. He took it to the local priest to see if he knew the meaning, and they finally decided it must stand for Wayside Chapel. This is how the schoolmaster answered the letter. Dear Madam: I am happy to inform you that we do have a W.C. It is located nine miles from the house in a beautiful garden surrounded by a grove of pine trees. It seats 300 people, and is open Monday, Wednesdays and Sundays, which is not real handy if you are in the habit of going regularly. My dearest ladyship, I suggest you go on Wednesdays for there is an organ accompaniment and even the most delicate sound is audible. The W.C. is very busy during the summer months, so I suggest you go early and get a seat even though there is plenty of standing room. Some families come with packed lunches and make a day of it. I am proud to say my daughter was married in the W.C. It was there she met her husband for the first time. I remember the rush for seats that day. There were ten people in the seat I usually occupy, and it was very uncomfortable. We have been planning a bazaar, and the proceeds are to go toward the purchase of plush seats, even though they are not needed. We recently had a bell erected on our W.C. which rings every time someone enters. My wife is a very delicate woman and cannot get to the W. C. very often. It has been six months since she last went, and it hurts her very much to go. Well, I must say good-bye for now, and if you are still interested, I shall be happy to save you a seat next to mine. Sincerely, The Schoolmaster

Nice Animal Jokes

Two friends sipping drinks in a bar discussing the accusations of a casual visitor to the farm. Sulks one, “Why is this Ted going around telling everyone that we farmers make love to cows, goats, pigs and snakes?” After a minute of uneasy silence, the other asks “did he say snakes?”

A farmer who had an order for four dozen chickens found that he was one short which he decided to make good with a parrot. On the way, the farmer sensed that something was amiss and got out of the truck to check to find that parrot standing on the tail-board and all the chicken walking behind. The parrot was saying “if any of you girls change your mind, you can ride with me in the truck!!”

A pastor warns one such parrot “I’ll dump a bucket of water on you if you speak profanity in this house” That evening the pastor keeps his promise, when the parrot screamed “I see a bare ass” as the man of cloth was going for his bath. Later, it was raining heavily outside, the pastor’s daughter comes in soaked to the skin. The parrot asks her innocently “whose ass did you see?”

A pastor wishing to buy a parrot as a pet is scared that it will offend him by talking profanity. He checks with the shop-keeper who assures him “This parrot has been trained. See this little string on his left leg. Pull it and he will recite psalm 16. Pull the string on the right leg and he will recite psalm23” The pastor gets curious “What happens if I pull both strings together?” “Why you stupid *@&ing...idiot” squawks the parrot “I will fall flat on my ass”

A burglar is breaking into what he thought was an unoccupied house when a voice stops him “I see you and the Saint sees you” After pausing a while he resumes and again stopped by the voice “I see you and the Saint sees you”. The burglar manages to get in and switch on the light to see a parrot uttering those words. He laughs “you silly parrot” and the parrot squeaks “get him Saint” and a huge St.Bernard pounces on the burglar.

A man going on a ride saw a sign-board “Doctorate degree for five dollars” He gets excited, goes in, pays five dollars and walks out with a degree. As he was just about to mount and ride away, a thought hits him “Why not get a degree for the horse too?” So he goes in again but is told bluntly “We give degrees only for asses and not for horses!”

When the old Bush was The President, on one of his sleepless nights he was walking in the picture gallery in the White House and as he was admiring George Washington’s portrait, the general suddenly says, “Get me a horse” The President gets excited and goes searching for someone to share the miracle with when he sees his Veep Dan Quayle staggering in late. He grabs Dan and drags him to the portrait, only to be snubbed by the general “I asked you for a horse and not an ass”

A traveling salesman finds a horse tied to a stake outside a bar with a note tied to it proclaiming “Anyone who can make this horse laugh can claim this bag of gold”. Our man goes in and asks the bar-tender whether he can take the horse for a walk and is given permission. When they come back, the horse was laughing. He claims the gold and walks away. Months later, he is visiting the same town and the same bar to find the same horse tied outside but this time the note said “Anyone who can make this horse cry can claim this bag of gold” Our man again asks for a walk with the horse and when they come back, the horse is crying. Unable to contain his curiosity, the bar-tender asks our man for the secret of his success and is told “First time I told him that my tool is longer than his and he laughed. Second time I showed him. It was and so he cried.

A foreigner running a hair-dressing saloon teaches a monkey to imitate the act of shaving whenever he sees a passer-by. The animal attracts a lot of customers much to the chagrin of his competitor across the road. So jealousy makes him teach the monkey the one-finger salute. The monkey’s rude gesture drives customers away and so its owner decides to kill the monkey but in time he remembers the warning that it is a sin to kill a monkey. So he gives the monkey a knife and takes another one in his hands and acts as though he is slashing his neck, hoping that the monkey would imitate his gesture. The monkey stuns him by giving him a one-finger salute.

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IT Project Management

How to keep WIFE away from TV

So very cute , please listen with Kids

Indian Girls Nice...hmm...okay

Doctor’s advice

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his examination, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch and dinner make him nutritious meals. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him. Do not nag him. If you can do this I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

The sign of GOD

Well if you sign this petition, you open up a pandora box, then we will have to wax karunidhi, JJ for ages, does our next generation also suffer?.

For Peace in India,
in Pakistan
and everywhere ( click to enlarge)

A Beauty is JOY forever

Singing wife

Miranda likes to sing, and whenever she begins, her husband heads outside. Hurt, she asked him, “Don’t you like my singing?” “Of course, dear,” he replied. “I just want to make sure the neighbours know I’m not beating you.”

The month is up today

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, “What’s the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?” The man said, “We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month.” “The bartender said, “That should make you happy.” The man said, “Not if the month is up today!”

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KISS on the hand means : FRIENDSHIP.

KISS on the nose means : YOU'RE CUTE.

KISS on the cheek means : I NEED YOU.

KISS on the neck means : I WANT YOU.

KISS on the lips means : I LOVE YOU.

KISSing with eyes closed means : I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

KISSing with eyes opened means : I'M WATCHING WHERE YOUR HANDS ARE GOING.

The military KISS means ..... "Keep It Simple Stupid"..

Stolen KISSes ARE THE SWEETEST! (Always want to return it)

Morale of the story is ... Its not WHO you are KISSING

but WHERE you're KISSING that matters

Other signs .....Often thinking of you means : I CARE FOR YOU

Holding hands means : I LIKE YOU

Looking into the eyes means : DO YOU LOVE ME?

Squeezing fingertips means : I WANT A KISS

Leaning on the shoulder means : COMFORT ME

Getting occasional short hugs means : I MISS YOU

Biting lips means : I AM JEALOUS

Winking at you means : I WANT TO GO WITH YOU

Playing with your hair means: I ADORE YOU

Stepping on toes means: I HATE YOU

Getting hit in "very painful places" means : I REALLY HATE YOU

Dreaming of you at night : YOU'RE SOMEONE SPECIAL

Always being with you means : I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU

Wearing his or her ring means: YOU'RE MINE FOREVER

Often giving you something means : CARE FOR YOU VERY MUCH

Placing hands on shoulder means : GET THE HINT STUPID!!!

Butterfly Kiss - With your faces less than a breath away, open and close your eyelids against your partners. If done correctly, the fluttering sensation will match the one in your heart.

Cheek Kiss - A friendly, "I really like you" kiss. Often the preferred kissing method of a first date. With your hands on your partner's shoulders, gently brush your lips across her cheek.

Earlobe Kiss - Gently sip and suck the earlobe. Avoid louder sucking noises as ears are sensitized noise detectors.

Eskimo Kiss - With your faces less than a breath apart, gently rub your noses together.

Eye Kiss - Hold your partner's head with both hands and slowly move their head in the direction you wish your kiss to go... then slowly kiss up towards your partner's eyes and give them a tender kiss on top of their closed eyes.

Eyelid Kiss - While your partner is resting/sleeping with eyes closed, very very gently kiss the spot right below their browbone. A very intimate kiss.

Finger Kiss - While laying together gently suck on their fingers. This can be very seductive and pleasurable.

Foot Kiss - An erotic and romantic gesture. It may tickle, but relax and enjoy it! To give a toe kiss by gently suck the toes and then lightly kissing the foot. It helps to gently massage the base of the foot while performing the kiss.

Forehead Kiss - The "motherly" kiss or "just friends" kiss. The forehead kiss can be a comforting kiss to anyone. Simply brush your lips lightly across the crown of their head.

Freeze Kiss (or Melt Kiss) - Experiment with this fun kiss. Put a small piece of ice in your mouth, then open mouth and kiss your partner, passing them the ice with your tongue. It's an erotic and sensual french kiss with a twist of cold.

French Kiss - The kiss involving the tongue. Some call this the "Soul Kiss" because the life and soul are thought to pass through the mouth's breath in the exchange across tongues. Surprisingly, the French call this "The English Kiss".

Fruity Kiss - Take a small piece of fruit and place between your lips (juicy fruits such as grapes, strawberries, small pieces of pineapple or mango are ideal). Kiss your partner and nibble one half of the piece of fruit while they nibble the other until it breaks in half, allowing the juice to run into your mouths.

Hand Kiss - Gently raise her hand to your lips. Lightly brush your lips across the top of her hand. Historically this kiss was performed with a bow, which showed deference to a lady.

Hickey Kiss - The object is not to draw blood, but to gently leave a mark that will prove your interlude was not a dream. This is often included in erotic foreplay.

Hostage Kiss - Cover your lips with tape and get your love's attention. When they come near, make noises like you're trying to tell them something and motion as if you can't get the tape off. Once they remove the tape from you to hear what you're trying to say tell them: "I've been saving my lips all day just for you!" Then kiss your love passionately!

Hot and Cold Kiss - Lick your partner's lips so that they're warm, and then gently blow on them. The sudden cold blast makes for a sensual explosion, and they will often try it on you next, as well as get very passionate.

Mistletoe Kiss - Surprise your lover by capturing them with a gentle holiday kiss under the mistletoe. This is also a good method for shyer individuals to steal a kiss from a potential lover.

Letter Kiss - Send your lover a kiss in a love letter by writing the letter x several times in a row
at the bottom of a letter such as XXXXX.

Lick Kiss - Just before kissing, gently run your tongue along you partners lip whether it be the top or bottom one depending on the position of your lips. Very sensual.

Lip Sucking Kiss - When kissing gently suck on their lower lip. This can be very exciting.

Neck Nibble Kiss - Gently nibble up and down your partners neck. End with a gentle kiss on the lips.

Nip Kiss - This kiss can create a very erotic sensation. While kissing your partner, ever so gently nibble on their lips. You must be very careful not to bite to hard or hurt your partner. When done correctly, this kiss ignites wonderful sensations.

Reverse Lips Kiss - It involves standing above your lover and kissing them from over their head. This way, each kisser can take the hyper-sensitive bottom lip of thier lover in their mouths, and GENTLY draw blood to the surface of the lip by nibbling and sucking. A very sensuous, connecting kiss.

Searching The Cavern - Use the lips and tongue to gently tickle and kiss your lover's navel. Vary speeds and stroke to change sensation. Invigorating and intoxicating.

Shoulder Kiss - Simply come from behind, embrace her, and kiss the top of her shoulder. This is a sensual, loving kiss.

Sip Kiss - Take a small sip of your favorite drink. Leaving a little bit of it on your lips, kiss your partner. It is a unique way to create a sensual feeling and your partner will enjoy it.

Talking Kiss - Whisper sweet nothings into your partner's mouth. If caught in the act, simply say as Chico Marx, "I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth."

Teaser Kiss - Starting on the forehead, a sweet short kiss on lips, then move up the arms up to her hand, kiss her hand, then come back up her arm, to her face and then lightly kiss her lips till she wants a passionate kiss.

The Buzzing Kiss - Gently place your lips against your lover's neck , behind their ear. Now, send a shudder through their skin by gently growling and humming, vibrating your lips and cheeks as you do so. Move up and down the neck, over the bones of the face and lips. Stimulating and erotic when done correctly.

The Whipped Cream Kiss - Dip your finger into some cool whip or whipped cream of your choice. Lick it off slowly, then embrace your partner and kiss them deeply letting their tongue slip over yours for a wonderfully sweet kiss. It's very seductive and passionate.

Tiger Kiss - Quietly sneak up behind your partner making sure they do not know what you are going to do. Out of the blue, grab them and gently bite their neck. Make sure to get a few good growls in too. This will surely surprise them.

Trickle Kiss - Take a sip of a favourite drink and trickle it slowly into partner's mouth while kissing.

Tongue Sucking - A variation of the French kiss. During an open-mouth kiss gently suck on your partner's tongue (not too hard because it may hurt). Very sexy :-)

Quickie Kiss - When you're in a rush. Often the nose gets it rather than the lips.

Vacuum Kiss - While kissing open-mouthed, slightly suck in as if you were sucking the air from your partners mouth. This is a playful kiss.

Wake Up Kiss - Before your partner awakes lean over and kiss their cheek and move over giving soft kisses until you reach their lips. Definitely a more than pleasant way to wake up!

Virtual Kiss - For Internet lovers. Send an e-card or a kiss via email with this symbol: :