Nice Animal Jokes

Two friends sipping drinks in a bar discussing the accusations of a casual visitor to the farm. Sulks one, “Why is this Ted going around telling everyone that we farmers make love to cows, goats, pigs and snakes?” After a minute of uneasy silence, the other asks “did he say snakes?”

A farmer who had an order for four dozen chickens found that he was one short which he decided to make good with a parrot. On the way, the farmer sensed that something was amiss and got out of the truck to check to find that parrot standing on the tail-board and all the chicken walking behind. The parrot was saying “if any of you girls change your mind, you can ride with me in the truck!!”

A pastor warns one such parrot “I’ll dump a bucket of water on you if you speak profanity in this house” That evening the pastor keeps his promise, when the parrot screamed “I see a bare ass” as the man of cloth was going for his bath. Later, it was raining heavily outside, the pastor’s daughter comes in soaked to the skin. The parrot asks her innocently “whose ass did you see?”

A pastor wishing to buy a parrot as a pet is scared that it will offend him by talking profanity. He checks with the shop-keeper who assures him “This parrot has been trained. See this little string on his left leg. Pull it and he will recite psalm 16. Pull the string on the right leg and he will recite psalm23” The pastor gets curious “What happens if I pull both strings together?” “Why you stupid *@&ing...idiot” squawks the parrot “I will fall flat on my ass”

A burglar is breaking into what he thought was an unoccupied house when a voice stops him “I see you and the Saint sees you” After pausing a while he resumes and again stopped by the voice “I see you and the Saint sees you”. The burglar manages to get in and switch on the light to see a parrot uttering those words. He laughs “you silly parrot” and the parrot squeaks “get him Saint” and a huge St.Bernard pounces on the burglar.

A man going on a ride saw a sign-board “Doctorate degree for five dollars” He gets excited, goes in, pays five dollars and walks out with a degree. As he was just about to mount and ride away, a thought hits him “Why not get a degree for the horse too?” So he goes in again but is told bluntly “We give degrees only for asses and not for horses!”

When the old Bush was The President, on one of his sleepless nights he was walking in the picture gallery in the White House and as he was admiring George Washington’s portrait, the general suddenly says, “Get me a horse” The President gets excited and goes searching for someone to share the miracle with when he sees his Veep Dan Quayle staggering in late. He grabs Dan and drags him to the portrait, only to be snubbed by the general “I asked you for a horse and not an ass”

A traveling salesman finds a horse tied to a stake outside a bar with a note tied to it proclaiming “Anyone who can make this horse laugh can claim this bag of gold”. Our man goes in and asks the bar-tender whether he can take the horse for a walk and is given permission. When they come back, the horse was laughing. He claims the gold and walks away. Months later, he is visiting the same town and the same bar to find the same horse tied outside but this time the note said “Anyone who can make this horse cry can claim this bag of gold” Our man again asks for a walk with the horse and when they come back, the horse is crying. Unable to contain his curiosity, the bar-tender asks our man for the secret of his success and is told “First time I told him that my tool is longer than his and he laughed. Second time I showed him. It was and so he cried.

A foreigner running a hair-dressing saloon teaches a monkey to imitate the act of shaving whenever he sees a passer-by. The animal attracts a lot of customers much to the chagrin of his competitor across the road. So jealousy makes him teach the monkey the one-finger salute. The monkey’s rude gesture drives customers away and so its owner decides to kill the monkey but in time he remembers the warning that it is a sin to kill a monkey. So he gives the monkey a knife and takes another one in his hands and acts as though he is slashing his neck, hoping that the monkey would imitate his gesture. The monkey stuns him by giving him a one-finger salute.